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I miss you :(

i’ve missed your face on my dash :)

And I miss being on the dashboard to see everyone’s lovely posts! I hope all is well with everyone! xx

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I wish that for once that the people I love would stay.

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In many ways it is the best thing ever to be able to do whatever you want, not needing to ask permission on everything you do. Every decision is entirely up to you. Going home to an apartment you pay for, laughing about the shortage of food in your kitchen just because you were too drunk the other day to even do grocery or the fact that you spent all your money on a shopping splurge or binge drinking. The glory of walking around naked around the house while the stereo is pumped up to full volume. The chuckle you do when the neighbor gets angry for the music. However, all that means that you have sacrificed being with the people you want to be just to be able to live your own life, and on some days, like today, you feel so lonely that you cant help but break down and cry.

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As time flies I seem to grow more content of the world that I live in. I am so comfortable in the current situation that I do not want it to end, I somehow want it to develop and grow into something more, and exceed myself in ways I did not even know of. Every day I learn more of myself, things I did not know I could ever do, and every day I grow more patient with myself, and with others. 

Now that I have Raphael in my life it seems as though he will stay there, he fits like a glove, like a the missing piece that binds everything together, however things don’t always go accordingly as to how you want them to be. This could possibly be the best relationship I have ever been, perhaps I am only saying so because I am in the moment and he is my present, but regardless of myself being biased, I gradually grow even more terrified as to the dates close by, that my french man is going to leave me to live his dreams. I have told him that I did not want him to feel obliged to stay just because he has met me, I do not want him to warp his goals just because I suddenly popped up in the scene. He had already unknowingly and genuinely extended his visa just so he could have more time with me, this was something I did not ask of him. Deep inside my heart, I really want him to stay or whichever, me going with him, but it’s not the case, I too, have my dreams. We’re two souls that have merged into one and seem lost by the idea of separating and becoming strangers once again. 

Yet here I am, once again, evidently causing myself pain, pain that in return benefits me with immense happiness. If that pain, is the price to pay, if pain is what comes next, I disregard all the dreading, all the sadness, because what I care for, is right now, right here, and that is with him. Though it may seem better to live my dreams with someone that I love, it is nothing but an impossibility, and these feelings that we both share were merely inevitable.